Latest Political Convention

Four months after the presidential election, another political convention took place on Sunday evening. This one was limited to a one-day session in Los Angeles. This annual assembly consisted of militant vegans, outspoken Christophobes, materialistic airheads, America-bashers, neo-Marxists and sexual deviants. Every year, they congregate in order to spout specious platitudes to the assembled audience and television viewers. Apparently, this yearly meeting had another purpose in the past but that has vanished under a sycophantic tide of paparazzi and reporters. The opulent outfits and outspoken opinions of the attendees dazzle the media covering the event in the same manner as dangling, shiny objects captivate dim-witted animals.

Over the course of the meeting, members bestowed statuettes on fellow participants. These golden effigies entitle the bearers to some time in front of an open microphone. Some speakers used their minutes to proselytize to the audience the wonders of Scientology, Buddhism or paganism. Others engaged in monologues bitterly bashing or grotesquely gushing over prominent politicians or recent elections. Rumors persist that these glittery anthropomorphic speaking invitations previously carried a different significance yet it seems that has been lost to history.

As usual, some recipients of the statuettes delivered noticeable speeches. One man brilliantly performed an impression of a spoiled brat indignant over the result of a ballot initiative in California. The speaker stopped just short of childishly screaming "Do over!" even though the issue on the ballot had been seemingly decided by two separate plebiscites approving of the initiative. He whined, "We've got to have equal rights for everyone." Of course, his performance recalled his portrayals of a useful idiot cavorting with dictators of Marxist regimes. Surely, the viewers laughed hysterically at the irony of someone demanding presumed unprecedented rights for some in one state yet singing the praises of autocrats that routinely deny widely recognized rights in other countries. He extols ideals of rights while spurning the right of a majority to decide democratically a resolution. His performance was so convincing that one must wonder if he realizes the inherent contradiction of his statements.

Mysteriously, one man received a speaking permit yet he did not attend. He had, in fact, fatally overdosed on prescription medication several months ago. Nevertheless, some members of his family accepted the invitation to speak on his behalf. They did not deliver a sanctimonious sermon or an effusive effort at conversion, an obvious violation of the organization's mandates. The actual hardware will be given to his toddler-aged daughter. Whether she will eventually receive a chance to perform a condescending and self-aggrandizing monologue at a future conference has not been determined at this time.